


The Dead You Leave Behind

by foxysquid



Series: Our Endless Numbered Days: Erwin and Mike [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anal Sex, Canonical Character Death, Explicit Sexual Content, Grief/Mourning, Husbands, M/M, Ruthless People, Stupid Assholes, Wedding Rings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 17:00:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1109310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foxysquid/pseuds/foxysquid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are losses more grave than the loss of a limb.  Erwin struggles to deal with his grief, and Levi struggles to deal with Erwin.  Neither of them have an easy time of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dead You Leave Behind

**Author's Note:**

> Functions as the sequel to [Scentless](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1070502).

When the news came--when did the news come? In the haze of pain and the chaos of recent events, which had fallen fast and quick, one upon another like hail in a hailstorm, he couldn't remember. Had the message come after or before? This detail was essentially inconsequential, as it was not useful. No matter when it had come, the contents of the message remained the same.

Yet one shouldn't forget something like that. The moment in which it had happened. It was important, and a man who remembered everything shouldn't forget something important. It wasn't like him to miss any detail.

As he lay on his back in the bed, he tried to revive the moment. The letter had come. Someone had opened it. Someone had said, _Commander, you should read this._ He had read it, and that instant in time had joined the hailstorm: the swift and violent and damaging barrage. Now he didn't know what that event's proper place was. He could ask someone, but who would he ask? He was dimly aware of the fact that he was sick, feverish. When the fever faded, he might remember, but what if he didn't? The memory could be gone forever, and then what would he do?

"You're a fucking idiot. Sometimes I hate you."

Erwin opened his eyes. That was Levi, standing over him, glaring down at him.

"I hate you," Levi said again, in case he hadn't heard.

Erwin had no protests to offer. "I can understand that."

Levi let out a long, angry sigh. "I'd wonder if you were human, but I know you are, or you couldn't be such a stupid asshole."

"That's probably true."

Another frustrated noise came from Levi, but when he next spoke, his tone was more respectful, as if he'd thought better of his outburst. "I'm sorry to disturb you, Commander."

"Don't be. It's fine. I've had enough rest."

"I'll believe that when you don't look like utter shit." Levi's respect was genuine and solid, but in private, its surface was pockmarked with profanities and insults.

Erwin made a noncommittal noise. What would be the point in admitting he was sick and weak? It was obvious. He couldn't afford to allow pain to continue to incapacitate him. There was too much to be done. He shifted, but the ache in his shoulder sharpened to a stab, and he clenched his jaw and hissed through his teeth. 

"Erwin." Levi's expression had softened suddenly, though the change was evident only to someone who knew him well, like Erwin. It was easy to think of him as unremittingly harsh, but Erwin knew that wasn't the case. If anything, that could be said of Erwin, not his Captain.

"What is it, Levi?"

Levi waited patiently, not stirring from his place at Erwin's bedside. "Don't you have anything to say to me?"

"What do you expect me to say?"

"Something. Anything."

"There's nothing."

Levi's jaw clenched. He moved suddenly, his arm swinging forward as if to strike Erwin, but he stopped, his hand an inch or so from Erwin's face. Erwin gazed at him levelly, not flinching or taking any action to avoid the blow, and slowly, Levi drew his hand back. He slipped it into his jacket pocket instead. He drew out a length of chain, from which hung a narrow ring. There was nothing fancy about it. It was a plain, bronze ring, slightly dented. Erwin stared at it. Levi tossed it lightly so that it landed on Erwin's chest. "They found that," he said flatly.

Erwin picked up the simple piece of jewelry, holding up the chain so that the ring dangled down in front of his face. He frowned.

"If it's nothing," said Levi, "then who cares what happens to it? It's worthless. You can throw it away."

"Worthless." Erwin took the ring in his hand, wrapping his fingers around it. He lowered his hand, letting it come to rest on the mattress beside him. The ache in the little that remained of his other arm was worse now. It was tiring him. With the ring gone from his sight, he gazed straight ahead, at the far wall. He didn't smile or frown. He didn't do anything but stare ahead.

Levi was watching him closely. "Sometimes I do wonder if you have any human feelings left."

"Who told me?" Erwin asked.

"What?" The question was sharp.

Erwin turned toward him. "Who told me? Was it you?"

"No, it wasn't me... I wasn't here." Levi frowned, a deep line forming between his eyebrows. "What do you mean, who told you? You don't remember?"

What he remembered was a feeling of shock. His vision had gone--not black, but white, as if it had been erased, as if years of his memories had been whited out in one instant. Everything had been gone. There had been nothing. That's right. It was nothing. When things became obstacles, when they got in the way of his goals, he had to get rid of them. There was no other way. He had seen too many men and women, downed, kneeling at the side of a fallen friend or lover, screaming, lost. Lost like the dead. Everyone lost people. The dead could be weights that pulled you down. They had to be cast away, to save your life, to save the lives of others.

"It doesn't matter."

Levi opened, then closed his mouth. He glared at Erwin, and Erwin did believe, then, and not for the first time, that Levi was capable of hating him. It was fine. He likely deserved it. It was a wonder that he didn't hate him, by this point. "If that's all, then I'll leave. Commander."

"That's all." Erwin dismissed him, although he wasn't the one who had called for Levi. Levi had appeared on his own.

Levi turned on his heel and left without another word. Erwin watched him go. Once the door was shut behind him, Erwin unfolded his fingers. The ring lay on the center of his palm. He knew where its match was. He could feel the familiar weight of the identical ring against his own chest, warmed by the heat of his body. He closed his eyes. He was so tired. His body felt heavy. He could fall asleep again, if he let himself.

***

The summer heat plastered the cloth of their shirts to their bodies, and the sun beating down on their heads didn't help. They dismounted and led their horses over the open ground toward the shade of the trees rising before them. Erwin could hear the soft sound of running water, but if not for that, he could have told from the way the plants were growing and the slope of the ground that there was a stream there.

It was a rare moment of respite. Their training was almost over, and with each year it had intensified. The strain on them had increased, yet with it, so had their privileges. He and Mike were rumored to be the two cadets who would be named the highest ranking in their trainees squad at their graduation, but it was unclear which of them would be named first and which second. He was the better leader, but Mike was the better fighter. As such well-respected cadets, they had certain advantages, in holding the esteem of their superiors. Usually they didn't use their good standing to their advantage, not wanting to put themselves apart from the other trainees, but when their Chief Instructor had asked for volunteers to deliver a message to another officer in a large town a day's ride away, Erwin had asked to go. When he had unsurprisingly been accepted as a courier, he'd asked to be able to bring Mike along, and although two riders weren't needed, the instructor had acceded to the request.

An errand like this meant almost two full days of unhurried riding and a break from their grueling training regimen. It was like a holiday. Since the message wasn't urgent and no one expected them to be back before tomorrow evening, they could take their time. There was no harm in pausing beside this quick, shallow stream and tethering their horses so they could graze and drink. On such a hot day, it was best to go easy on the animals.

Not that Erwin wasn't self-motivated in taking a rest. Once they stood in the shade of the trees, he slid an arm around Mike's waist and pulled him closer, raising his head and rising up onto the balls of his feet to kiss him. Mike sniffed briefly at the side of his face. "You don't wait long, do you, Erwin?"

"Why should I?" They so rarely had time alone together: stolen moments in the woods or behind the barracks at night, warring silently with the the other pairs among the cadets for space and privacy. Erwin being Erwin, they usually won the battles in that war, but two days--and a night spent together--that was a luxury. Erwin pulled him down onto the ground, and Mike laughed softly, but went along with him. Erwin could be very patient when it was necessary, but he was impatient now, his mouth hot against Mike's, his fingers pulling at the buttons of Mike's trousers with practiced ease.

"I'm not complaining." As usual, Mike hesitated and allowed Erwin to take the lead. Erwin's preferences varied. He was intent on trying everything once. This time, his wants were simple and straightforward. He settled his mouth on Mike's cock as he struggled out of his own clothing. It was unlikely anyone would come across them here, so far from the road, under the cover of the trees and bushes that grew thickly by the stream, but Erwin wasn't worried about being discovered. He was quick, not from necessity, but from eagerness. He licked his fingers as well as Mike's skin as he drew his tongue over Mike's cock. When he reached back to finger himself, Mike let out a long breath.

"Erwin, come here." He pulled him around so that Erwin faced his cock from the opposite direction, his body stretched out over Mike's, his knees near Mike's shoulders and his shoulders by Mike's hips. He moaned and lowered his head, taking as much as he could of Mike's cock into his mouth as he felt Mike's fingers brush against his ass, and then press inside him.

Erwin didn't want Mike to come yet, so he pulled back quickly, licking lightly at the head of Mike's cock, tasting the clear, salty fluid as it leaked from the slit. Mike hardly made a sound as his fingers, wet with spit, slid in and out of Erwin, but Erwin was very aware of the sound of Mike's breathing. He continued to refuse to wait, pulling away from Mike's ministrations as soon as he felt he was ready enough. He could have been readier, wetter, but he was used to this: the quickness, the intensity of it, and there was even something appealing in the sharpness of the pain. He slid down onto Mike's cock with a sigh as Mike gripped his hip with one hand, stroking him with the other. He rode Mike relentlessly until Mike came inside him with a groan, his fingers pressing deep into Erwin's side. Erwin came moments after, gritting his teeth as his hips shuddered and his come spilled onto Mike's stomach. He was breathing hard when he came to rest on top of Mike, his head settling on his shoulder.

Mike laughed softly and stroked his hair, then sniffed him again, as if he smelled different after sex than he did before. Maybe he did. Erwin closed his eyes, and they dozed like that briefly. The insects of summer droned softly in the trees, and birdsong rose above them. What if the entire world could be like this? Lazy and peaceful, beautiful and bright. It would have been nice to imagine that that was how it was.

When Mike finally moved to sit up, Erwin let him go, rolling off of him easily. He felt sore, but it was a good soreness, and he didn't mind it. "I have something for you," said Mike, reaching into his pocket.

Erwin sat up as well, curious. Presents weren't common among the trainees, since they often had nothing to give, except small things they made out of available supplies or their share of the day's rations. There was no particular reason for Mike to given him anything. It wasn't his birthday or any special occasion, simply an unlooked for holiday.

Whatever the gift was, it was small, and Mike held it in his closed hand, unseen for now. "It isn't much." Mike wasn't a big talker, but he had no difficulty with words when he wanted to talk. His speech was plain, but clear. "But we're going to be graduating soon, and then we'll be soldiers, so--"

They both knew what would happen after that. They could have joined the Military Police, but they'd both decided to sign up with the Survey Corps. "I thought it might be nice to have to give to everyone in the graduating class. Something to--keep us together, to remind us. Of everything."

Erwin continued to listen, though he wasn't sure what Mike could have to give to everyone in their squad. There were a fair number of them remaining, even after those who had left and those few who had died. He didn't need to ask, as Mike quickly went on, "But it turns out I didn't have enough to give one to everyone." He shook his head, with a smile. "It was too grandiose an idea, for me." He opened his hand. "So I only got two. One for me, and one for you." Two rings lay on his palm: matched rings of bronze. Mike looked faintly embarrassed. 

Erwin had warned Mike about relationships. They were dangerous, for people who were planning to follow the path they had chosen. They could impair judgment. They got in the way. Erwin had decided that it wouldn't be fair to someone else to make that kind of promise, not when he could die at any moment, when his life was so much more limited than the average person's. He preferred not to put a name to what he and Mike were. They were comrades, friends, and sometimes they had sex. That was all.

"Just a memento," said Mike quickly.

Erwin wasn't convinced, but he couldn't bring himself to refuse the gift, especially when he knew how difficult it must have been for Mike to obtain rings. Most metals were used for practical purposes, and most jewelry that was not passed down in families as heirloom pieces was solely purchased by the aristocracy. He didn't ask how Mike had gotten them, but this was clearly important to him. He reached out and took one of the rings, his fingers brushing Mike's hand as he did so.

Mike exhaled, and a tension that had built up in him without Erwin realizing it until now flowed from him with his breath. He relaxed, visibly. He had been nervous. To further reassure him, Erwin slid his ring onto his finger. Mike smiled and did the same with his own. "There," he said. "So now we won't forget."

"I wouldn't," said Erwin.

***

He had lied. He had to forget, now.

The doctors had left a lamp with him, and it continued to glow as, outside, the sun set. He stared at the light until his eyes started to hurt. He'd decided not to sleep. The pain in his arm was too intense, and the drugs he'd been given to bring him some relief were unreliable allies. Sometimes they dropped him into a dreamless sleep from which he obtained oblivion but no true rest, and sometimes he dozed fitfully, feverishly, gaining neither relief nor refreshment, his head full of dreams that made him bolt awake, sweating.

He sat up and waited. Now and then, he unfolded his hand and looked at the ring.

He envied Levi. Levi carried his grief with him, yet he could still function. He could push his feelings aside when necessary, or even better, he could tap into them, draw fuel and strength from his sorrow and rage. Erwin couldn't do that. He didn't know how. Perhaps he wasn't built that way. It wasn't that he didn't suffer, that he didn't feel the loss of his men keenly, and the great burden of humanity that had settled on his shoulders, but this more personal burden, this emotion, was different. It was too heavy. It was weighing him down. 

When things got in his way, he got rid of them. No matter what happened, no matter what he lost.

His nightmares were haunted by the Titan: wide mouth, grinding teeth, senseless eyes. His body was torn apart over and over again, and his men were ripped into ribbons before him, but Titans, as horrifying as they were, weren't new. His other dreams were gentler, but more insidious. There was Mike, smiling at him. Riding beside him. His hair falling in his face as he leaned over his desk, frowning as he concentrated on his work. All the things Erwin remembered about him surfaced in his sleeping brain: the sound of his voice, the shape of his shadow, the way Erwin could always glimpse his head above the crowd. The warm, fluttering feel of his breath when he leaned in and sniffed at Erwin's neck. When Erwin allowed himself to think of these things, the pain in his chest was worse, in its way, than the pain in his arm.

_Can't you drop that mask, even for me?_

No, he couldn't. Not now. Not when there was so much to do, when so much depended on him.

"I'm sorry, Mike. It's necessary."

It took a good deal of effort to remove the chain from his own neck one-handed, but he did. Then he held them both in his hand: two matching rings, two matching chains.

He waited for the nurse to come, to give him his next dose of medicine. He didn't have long to wait. They were always punctual. He was an important man. He was being well-looked after.

He smiled at the young nurse who entered, whose name, he knew, was Saul. He took his medicine when it was offered, and he remained still when asked to, so Saul could check his bandages. He was a model patient. He followed the orders of his doctors and nurses without question. He was kind to them, and now that he was well enough to sit up and speak again, he remembered all their names. He thanked them for their hard work.

"Is there anything else, sir, before I go?" Saul asked, once he'd completed all the required tasks.

"One thing," said Erwin. He'd been keeping the rings in his hand, and he opened it now. He'd been holding them tightly enough that they'd left their impression in the skin of his palm.

The nurse raised his eyebrows, puzzled.

"I want you to take these, and I want you to get rid of them."

Saul was obviously no less confused by this order. "Get rid of them, sir?" He gazed curiously at the rings, then glanced down at the floor, avoiding meeting Erwin's eyes.

"I don't care what you do with them. You can sell them. You can bury them. You can throw them in a river. I don't want to see them again, that's all."

Saul must have decided that there was no point in questioning the odder orders of high ranking officers, because he didn't. "Yes, sir." Saul held out his hand for the rings, and Erwin dropped them into his palm.

"Don't tell anyone about this," Erwin added.

"I won't."

When he was gone, Erwin stared down at the skin of his hand and the faint, circular indentations the rings had left behind, next to the rough lines that had been pressed into him by the chains. They were all he had left. When they faded, that would be the end of it. He had already forgotten when he'd heard the news. He could divest himself of the rest, too.

***

After leaving Erwin's room, Nurse Saul headed down the hall to the next stop on his rounds. There was no shortage of injured officers needing looking after. He walked without paying attention to his surroundings, still puzzling over his odd encounter with Commander Smith, when a harsh, quick voice called him back. "Hey. You."

He paused, his eyes widening at the unmistakable sight of Captain Levi bearing down on him. He froze. He'd seen the captain before. Everyone here knew him by sight, but he'd never had occasion to talk to him. He hadn't been one of the ones to treat him while he'd been injured. "Yes, sir?"

Levi stopped a few paces from him, not standing too close, but his gaze was intense enough to bridge the gap between them. "Did he say anything weird to you?"

"Weird, sir?" He didn't like to admit that someone of the commander's rank had been acting strangely, even if he had been asked by Captain Levi.

"Don't give me that shit. You know what I mean by weird. There's something wrong with him."

"He lost an arm."

Levi let out a long, agitated sigh. "Thanks for that. I hadn't noticed."

"Sorry, sir! I didn't mean--"

"Never mind." He pursed his lips. "Out with it. What'd he say?"

Saul hesitated, and finally decided that the threat of Captain Levi inches away from him was worse than the thread of Commander Smith lying in bed behind a closed door. "It wasn't what he said, but he gave me--"

Levi didn't allow him to finish. His arm shot out. "Give it here."

"I--"

At Levi's answering glare, Saul relented. He gave up his burden without further delay. Levi stared down at the two rings and attached chains he suddenly found himself holding. His eyes widened.

"Sir?" Saul asked cautiously.

"Motherfucking Erwin Smith."

"I'm sorry." He wasn't sure what he was apologizing for. This was obviously some business of the officers' that he didn't understand and hadn't meant to get caught up in.

Levi had no intention of getting him any more involved. Now that he had what he wanted, he waved him off. "Go. I'll keep these."

"Yes, sir." Dismissed, the nurse was only too glad to be gone.

Levi remained standing in the hall. Contrary to his earlier words, he didn't hate Erwin. There were moments he wished he could, but the time he'd been capable of doing so had long since passed. He shot a glare at Erwin's door. "You goddamned blond bastard." He was half-tempted to go in there and ask Erwin what the hell he thought he was doing, but he already knew what Erwin thought he was doing, and it wouldn't do any good to argue with him. Instead, he slipped the rings into his pocket. Fine. If Erwin didn't want them, Levi would keep them. Someone was going to remember, even if it was only him. He had enough shit and enough dead people to worry about, but he'd throw this on the pile, too. He did so much for that man--why not add one more thing to the list?

Levi had a great deal of respect for Erwin. He believed Erwin was right about most things. That was why he followed him. But he was wrong, in this. The dead shouldn't be forgotten. Nothing about them should be. They were still here. They still mattered. If you let them go, then what did you have left, and what had their lives been for?

Fucking nothing.

"Don't worry about it, you overgrown giant." Levi muttered to himself as he walked away. "I'm not going to let him forget." His jaw was tense, his expression as grim and resolute as always. He'd never asked for this, but someone had to do it.


End file.
